A fresh start...

I have been meaning to do this for some time now, but haven't taken the time, and I was not too sure how to go about it, but I decided it was time. I need to move on, I have been moving on, but I think that this will be good for me. So bear with me please. I am not going to go into to great detail, because this blog is going to be about the next phase in my life, so I don't really want to dwell in the past, but in case you are reading this and don't understand why I would need to have a fresh start, you soon will understand. I have been married for 6 years, I thought things were good, but found out a couple years after being in "love" that the man I married wasn't the man that I thought I had married. Because I believe in marriage and not divorce, I decided to try and stay and work through the many issues that my husband was dealing with. I thought he was improving, but I still went to school, got my degree, lived my life, attended church meetings, etc. And not many people knew what we were going through, only a slim few who were my lifesavers at the most trying times for me. But we were doing ok, we were making it through this difficult time, and I thought we were going to make it through married. Earlier this year, I believed we would be successful, and prayed long and hard, and fasted dilligently and felt that it was time to move forward, we started looking to buy a house and started to think about children, I didn't want to do those things not knowing if I would be married the next year and didn't think that was fair to anyone.

So, I got pregnant. I am due in February, and although it happened faster than I thought it would, I was happy. I knew that I had prayed and that was what I was supposed to be doing. But life doesn't happen the way you plan. Ever. I know that many of you reading this knows that fact all too well. And we just have to roll with it. A week after I found out I was expecting, I learned more about my husband, who I had thought was doing so well. He wasn't. I was sad, I didn't know what to do, so I asked him to move out. I needed time to think and figure out what I was going to do, was it worth it to be a single mom, or stay with a man that obviously didn't take his covenants seriously.

It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I researched divorce so much and I felt like a failure. I don't know how many of you know this, but I was proposed to at girls camp in front of all the young girls in our stake, we were asked to speak at girls camp the next year about our marriage, and how great it was, no one knew the struggles that we had gone through the last four years and to many we looked like one of those "perfect" couples. I am not tooting my own horn, we were not the "perfect" couple, but I never wanted people to know how hard it had been for me or us for that matter. I didn't want to let all those girls down or give them a sese of what if that happens to me one day. They got married in the temple, they both served missions, they are both church goers, how could this happen, what did Ceri do, how come she couldn't make it work? Those are all things that went through my head, plus many more.

So after much pondering and praying, and not really much fasting, because I was pregnant now, I decided that I could be an example in other ways besides those of being a woman that married in the temple, I could be the woman that improved her life by doing everything she could to save her marriage, but when that didn't work, having the guts to move on to give her child a better life. But to still remain faithful and active and share her testimony about how God prepares us for certain things in our lives and how we can't blame Him for bad things that may happen. I could help others realize how important it is to stay strong and be happy even when everything in your life is crashing down around you, but to forgive and to love and serve still. I never wanted a divorce and I never planned that would be the answer, but sadly, it is the answer, and I know that now.

I am scared for my son (yes I am having a boy), but I know that he will have so many people that will love and cherish him that he will be ok. He has so many positive role models in his life already and I know he will be ok, even if his parents aren't together anymore.

This has been such a difficult time, because I am so happy to be having a baby, but have felt like I couldn't share that joy because of the divorce, and I feel like I haven't given this baby the recognition he deserves, and he does deserve recognition, it is a great thing, but it is hard to say I am pregnant, oh yeah and I am getting a divorce, because then the next question is always, well you couldn't have tried to work it out for the baby, or why on earth would you get pregnant when you were having marriage problems, so rather than answer those questions, I just didn't say anything, but soon my baby will be here, and I can't wait to meet him, and although it isn't ideal, I am excited to be his mom, and I know Heavenly Father has been preparing me to raise this little man and hopefully I can be the example that he needs.

So this new blog is my new life. I have moved into a new home in a new city and am excited for a fresh start. I know that I will always have to deal with issues from the past, but I am excited for the future. I know that it will be difficult at times, but I know that I have a loving Father in Heaven and a loving Savior that will carry me through those difficult times and that there will be many wonderful times to come too. I am so thankful for all that knowledge, and thankful for faith. I am also so thankful for my family and friends and anyone who has helped me through this time and have been so supportive especially in starting my new life.